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[28 Jun 2004|11:21am] |
a busy week ahead of me.
i am quite excited about tomorrow, i'll be going to my cousin's to help them move. i just want to get away from here for a while. i need change.
by the way, happy birthday to me.
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[19 Jun 2004|04:21pm] |
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You know your life is somewhat lacking when you sit for half an hour listening to Stop and 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls because you're trying to tell the difference between their voices. Even worst, in the end you're able to.
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[18 Jun 2004|09:46am] |
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that I got a really bad haircut from my aunt (eyebrow high bangs, horrible layering techniques and above chin level lenght.) and I start balling my eyes out because I was too embarrassed to go out to public now. I woke up and I was actually crying. Hair means that much to me.
10 Things my family do to piss me off:
10. rearrange my items
9. sleep late at night (noisy people)
8. wake up early (very noisy in the morning)
7. when they leave they don't close the door fully
6. talk bad about my friends
5. comparing me to my friends (even thought they 6)
4. not trust me (they think I'll lose the house key, which would result in someone entering our house)
3. blaming me when it wasn't my fault
2. overreacting over every little thing
1. entering without knocking
Everyday, I have to go through 1-10, sometimes twice.
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[15 Jun 2004|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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the feeling of chatting to someone you like, then finding out they like your friend. please raise your hand if you've ever felt this way. yeah, kthxbi.
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[14 Jun 2004|09:55pm] |
I wish you would
come pick me up,
take me out,
fuck me up,
steal my records,
screw all my friends,
they’re all full of shit,
with a smile on your face.
and Then do it again...
Why do I seriously feel like that?
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[03 Jun 2004|07:43am] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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I have screwed myself over, and possibly let down others. I have a speech due today on Jean Vanier, I read a lot about him and know who he is, what he did/does, and etc; but I don't have this in speech form. Then I have my history decades project, and I only wrote 1/6 of the script, its due Monday. I let down my group, now they're going to murder me.
You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategy dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watch yourself gavotte
And all the girls dream that they'd be your partner, they'd be your partner
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.
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[31 May 2004|10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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Today on the way back home from making my aunt's passport, my dad was lecturing me in the car about my future. "You should go into an area that is isn't useless, what happened to drawing? You used to love drawing." At first I was getting angry, but then he said "You can be great if you wanted to, but you're just lazy." And it hit me like that. He praised me, "You can be great if you wanted to.." that was the biggest compliment/praise I've ever gotten from my dad. It made me smile.
The next thing he said was cold hard reality, "but you're just lazy." its true, very true. All along, I've believed in myself too, my dad just took the words from the tip of my tongue. I can be great, and I will be.
After wards I was having a chat with a friend from school, we don't talk much at school since we aren't used to talking face to face. He kept telling me I'm odd, and possibly white[washed] since I listen to radiohead/coldplay/oasis and etc. I wasn't really offended or anything, but I was tired of being called odd. So I confronted him.
What he said next changed my views of him (oh the chat wasn't saved since I wasn't using msn 6.2. oh well.). He said something along the lines of, "You aren't odd in the bad way. You're a non-conformist. I respect you for that." I was taken back, he respected me. I never really actually had someone that I knew in real life tell me that they respected me. And what more, I never had someone tell me their views of me before.
As we chat more, I found out that we're the same. Just that right now he is in a self-searching stage. I understand what he is going through, and why he thinks that way. No real friends, most of them want to use you. I never knew that he goes through this everyday. Indeed interesting.
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[30 May 2004|10:19pm] |
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 amused |
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She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time
I suddenly want to do so many things, but I don't know how. I sort of look forward to the courses I choose for next year: Photography, Architecture, Socialology (I don't know about this one), English, Math, Biology, Physics, and Chemistry. I'm still not sure what area I want to go into; I took photography because I loved looking at the photos that people here on lj post and they inspire me. I took architecture because I was inlove with those blueprints/models of houses that you get at sale offices. I took all those science classes because watching CSI motivated me to. I don't know, what will I do with my life? Drift about, I don't think I can be a graphic designer, there are people out there who can kick my ass. Right now I don't know where I'm heading in life, but I'm not worrying - yet. :)
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[28 May 2004|07:22pm] |
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I seem to give off the impression that I don't care, but I do. I'm one who isn't good at showing emotions, maybe being sad I call pull off.
I have all these dreams/ideas, but I never put them to work. I want to join the yearbook committee, take a photography course, take a visual arts course, design the school's agenda cover, and paint a mural somewhere in the school (Vincent Van Gogh - starry night remixed). All of this is pure art, something to stream my creativity into, to show the school "This is who I am, this is Sarah." Sometimes I wonder if I think too highly of myself, maybe I do. All these years, my excuse for not working hard was, "I'm lazy." but I think the real reason is, "I fear failure." What if I tried my hardest and still failed? I'm afraid of that, but I have to promise myself that next year I'll push myself and do good in school.
My things to do list (which I rarely do):
_ Study for math (do all chapter review tests in textbook)
_ Clean room (reorganize, throw things out)
_ Get a hair cut
_ Write a script for history decades project (The 60s)
_ Write a script for civics presentation
_ Read the books from my to-read list
_ Download music from my to-download list
_ Make a new layout for sixty
I have chinese school tomorrow, and over the years this is becoming a menace, I hate chinese school now. I don't know anyone there, I'm failing and feeling miserable about that and I just dread it.
Last night, I went to sleep at 11pm. I woke up a few hours later, I was disoriented and probably confused. The room was dark, I still hadn't realize what time it was so I got up from bed (all sweaty :\) and walked over to my drawer to turn on my desk lamp. When I turned it on I just stood there and looked around, I thought I took a nap and it was time to wake up, but when I looked at the clock it was 1:55am. I just walked back to my bed and slept, but I had trouble sleeping. I would wake up now and then, and drift into a light sleep. This usually leaves me tired and cranky the next day.
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[27 May 2004|09:57pm] |
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I just decided to gave this place a "new" look.
For the past few days, I can't get over what I've done. Another thing, I started digging at an old wound and its bringing me back down.
In a week and a half exams will start, I feel terrible about my marks but I'm not doing anything to improve them. I don't understand why I don't get motivated and stick to things, my only excuse it that I'm lazy. I want better marks, and I want to beat her.
Why am I back in this hole? What have I gotten myself into...ugh.
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[24 May 2004|01:33am] |
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by tellng me i'm a horrible friend, does this person not realize that they've just destroyed me?
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| mini breakdown, here i come! |
[11 May 2004|10:31pm] |
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Its night, I think I just crossed my last line. I'm falling apart, and I can tell. I'm breaking up on the inside, hating myself, toturing myself. Asking 'Why?' mostly. I think my friend has provided me with the most logical reason to date, 'You want everything, and on your way you lose other things.' I do want everything, not because I'm stuck up or anything, because I'm afraid of losing what I have so I 'stock up'. Ha, I must say, I am blind. While I was 'stocking up' I had bit off more than I could chew. Now I'm in this mess, fighting myself.
School is draining energy out of me, life is just sucking what I have left. Where does this leave me? Where I am right now, in rebooting myself. I wish to be so many things, displined, able to change myself for the good, smart, and heck, even pretty some times. Who am I? Seriously. I need to put in more displine and push myself harder.
Someone, help put me in line.
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| moving? |
[09 May 2004|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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disappointed |
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A few years back, I was so sucked into depression that I just wanted to get away from this place. I just wanted to pack up and leave. Move to Mississauga,, where my cousins were. They were the coolest to have around, I always love having them over or spending the summer at their house. I used to beg my dad to move, everyone but my dad agreed. I would think to myself, "Do I have anything left staying for?" The answer was always 'No'. But, what if. What if suddenly, the answer was 'Yes'? I do have something worth staying for. I think I have finally found myself, and I belong here.
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| what gives? |
[05 May 2004|08:32pm] |
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Stupid math, stupid quadratics, stupid question 24. Can anyone please help me solve it? The question is: 'At Bell Park, a landscaper wishes to plant a uniform border of tulips on the inside of a rectangular garden with the dimensions of 18 m by 12 m. The garden will look best if the area of the tulips be, to one decimal place?' Please, please, someone solve it and show me how. My teacher is an arse, he never showed us how.
I was planning on tell Chris that I have a crush on him, but my words always come out wrong. I finally saw him today, but I didn't tell him. Haha, I'm so stupid.
I just want to sleep from now till whenever I feel like getting up, my body is aching. Tomorrow I have fitness, we're doing Tai Bo. Then I have a history play to present, I memorized my lines. 'This place is just berries, and you're looking pretty spiffy Mary Lou.'
I don't know, I don't care, all I know is you could take me there.
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[30 Apr 2004|05:14pm] |
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It has been a long while since I've wrote in here. Acutally, it has been a long while since I've done anything online. Lately I've been feeling down, but now I'm fine. To sum up the past few weeks, one word, havoc. One of my friends has been getting on my nerves, I hate it when she corrects me and acts so sarcastic. "I hate the way you're so sarcastic, and you're not very bright..." That is how I feel about her. We've been good friends, just that something doesn't seem right currently. And I feel super dumb in school, all I do is sit there and pretend to understand what the teacher is talking about. Quite sad. Hopefully things will pick up. I dread the weekend, no Chinese class, please. I always pray for a power outage or something, as long as I don't have to go to class.
There has been a flu going around school, I was lucky enough to experience it.
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| why? |
[16 Apr 2004|08:37pm] |
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Everything is coming back to haunt me. I feel like the most worthless person ever.
Today my friends and I went to Wendy's after school. I bought my friend's food for her and carried the tray back to the table. When I got there, I put down the tray and started handing out the food. My friend thought I was done so she lifted the tray to take it to her side, but just as she did that I took my cup of water off. This unbalanced it and caused everything on the tray to fall (fries, burger, and ketchup). We got the fries replaced for free, but my friend got ketchup all over her pants. Me and her used to have issues back then, and we weren't best of friends. I felt so bad, I was guilty as charged. So I apologized to her and helped her clean her pants. The only reason I felt so guilty is because I've had past experience of dirtying someone else's clothing. I was drawing on my desk with a pen, and then we switched seats to do an activity. I sat elsewhere with my friends, away from the desk. One of the girls in my class sat on my desk and dirtied her white shirt. She told the teacher and the teacher burned me on it. I felt so bad I started crying. Yeah, I am a crybaby. And then she made me pay for the shirt, but just $5, not much. Yet my "friend" told her, "No, make her pay $10!" What a bitch, I don't remember how much I paid. I just remember the guilt. And also I was betrayed later on by my "friends" they all turned against me. For the stupidest reasons too. I can only remember the pain, guilt, and always that heart-crushing feeling. It left me depressed, and my favourite brother left for university in Seattle. I was sad and angry though-out the whole summer, I basically cried everyday. I was still depressed, up until grade 9 when I found a new friend that opened my up so much. I loved her dearly :) and she was always there for me. I also found God.
I feel much better now writing that out. :*)
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| math is a pain in the arse |
[12 Apr 2004|07:06pm] |
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I'm starting to feel smarter. After weeks of neglect, and dozing off in math; I acutally seem to get the homework. Unfortunately, I managed to failed the unit test due to my laziness. If only I knew how easy it was to learn this, dang it. Either I'm really smart (doubtful) or I just learn really fast.
Happy Easter. :D No chocolate eggs, but I have my Toblerone.
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[12 Apr 2004|09:44am] |
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sixty
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| poor me |
[08 Apr 2004|07:50pm] |
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crappy |
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I am very sick. I should had never went to school today, I failed my math unit test. If I missed it, I could had studied harder and made up for it. It is these small 'what if' that screws us over.
I kept coughing today, and my nose was stuffed. Then my throat would itch and I would cough uncontrollably. What a wasted day, I could had spent it sleeping.
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| it is finally here |
[07 Apr 2004|08:11pm] |
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I am pissed, at one person in particular. My "friend" lets call her 'Mary'. Nothing against anyone with that name, just the only one that I can think of. Mary is always gloating about how good her work is, mostly her drawings, about how she draws them in five minutes and they look like the best thing ever. Yes, they are nice drawings, but five minutes? She is trying to seem modest, but her gloating side is always showing. She would bring all her drawings to school and then put them out in the open or ask someone their opinion of it. When the person wants to see other drawings she would say modestly, "Oh no, I don't want anyone to look at my work. Blah blah blah." Yet she would still pull it up and cause a great big commotion over it. Fucking bitch, if you don't want people to look at it don't bring it to school. Are you that insecure without them? And then if she finds out anyone has a boyfriend or likes someone she would get really close to the guy. After she gets close, she would rub it in your face about her days with him. If the friend loses all interest in the guy, she does too. What the hell, everything to her is a competition. And when she loses, she blames someone else for her lose. I beat her in tests/quizzes and she blames it on her problems at home. Most of the problems are caused by her. She uses her problems at home to suck in sympathy. I'm so tired of her.
Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day. I have a math test, and I have no clue about the stuff we're being tested on. And I will probably hear more from 'Mary' about her time with this person I like.
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